Dr. Oz and moving on

Back in April the Baby S Story was featured on Dr. Oz.

To make this happen my good friend and I traveled to NYC for a day! WE had a special little tagalong as well, S's new little brother! (brother-in-love, my third child O)

We had a great time at the show, and I hope nobody could tell that I was a nervous wreck!

Although I wasn't able to see it live, I did finally find it online!!

http://www.doctoroz.com/episode/nightmare-surrogacy-battles-when-parents-and-surrogates-disagree?video_id=4852585603001


It was a bit surreal and very nerve wracking, but doing a tv interview really made me realize how far I've come in the last couple of years. 4 years ago when I came back to CT after leaving S in the hospital in Michigan, I was a mess. I thought that leaving her would have been easy; after all we'd planned for the day when I'd relinquish custody, and that had all gone to plan. We'd planned that I would start phasing out my visits at the hospital and let her mother take over, and I'd been doing that. Packing up hadn't been difficult, but driving away was torture. I can still remember very clearly the panic attack that accompanied my driving across the state lines from Michigan to Ohio and again from Ohio to the next state. That first night I stayed at a friend's house, and cried myself to sleep.

For much of the last 4 years I have been living in crisis mode. My anxiety threatens to get the best of me time and time again. Living through this has taught me how to handle almost anything that people can say to me, as well as calm the inner critic who tells me that everyone is judging me silently. My life habits have been built around a need to calm the inner demons, and I have been adding techniques and habits to my daily routine that have been giving me amazing results. Before my pregnancy with O I was 125lbs and incredibly healthy despite a back injury that at times left me unable to walk. My pregnancy was great for my back, but torture for the rest of me. I experienced what I can only believe was Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) and lost over 25lbs in the first 2 months. Until I was nearly 8 months I couldn't stand for more than 5 minutes without getting dizzy.

This journey has been long, but it has had its purpose. I have been slowly working on finding ME again, Before I had O, I was becoming happier with my life and stressing less. I am still far from perfect. I suspect I have PTSD, and have been seeking treatment. But I am motivated to move forward with the life that I originally hoped my surrogacy would jumpstart. Today I have begun to heal, and I find that the best healing I can do for myself, is to help others. And so I have decided to resume my doula services <3 nbsp="" p="">
Additionally, I"m adding a new service, pregnancy coaching!

Many women feel as though they would benefit from having someone other than a doctor to talk to during their pregnancy who can give them facts and evidence on the choices that they have in their pregnancy, birth, and the care and raising of their newborn child. As an experienced mother and doula, I have insight and experience that allows me to help moms get the most beneficial information that can help them to have a powerful, empowered and satisfying birth. Research shows that a 'healthy baby' simply isn't enough for a healthy mother-child bond. When mothers experience a satisfying birth experience, they are more easily able to adapt to the challenges of motherhood and make sound choices in the care of their child. As a lifelong student, I have access to hundreds of journals and thousands of research studies and articles on every topic imaginable. If I don't know the answer, I can find it! Six years in school has given me a great toolbox of researching techniques, to make sure you have access to the most up to date and pertinent information on any topic you choose.

My website is a mess, but the contact form on this page will send your message to me: e-mail me

I'm writing a new blog as well, I would absolutely love for any and all of you to follow me there:

The Baby-Guru

So now that Baby S is 4, I guess it's time to stop calling her a baby!!! From now on she'll be referred to as Stormie only. She's getting so big. I am SO proud of her! Until next time folks!!

<3 face="Verdana, sans-serif" font="">Crystal

Help a little someone out!!

Special needs babies are such an inspiration to my heart!! Today I'd like to share one special little boy that I've known since before he was born. Ashton's mommy Tara and I were part of the same pregnancy group while I was pregnant this last time. While I was experiencing the aches and pains of being 8 months pregnant, Tara was delivering Ashton without knowing if either of them would survive to see him grow up. She had developed HELLP syndrome and pre-eclampsia. He was born at 27 weeks 2 days.

Ashton is such a special kid in my heart, and today he is being transported to Nationwide Children's Hospital in Ohio because the facility where he is now just isn't equipped to handle his lung issues. To save his life, his mom will live in the hospital or Ronald McDonald House to make sure he gets the best care. As a birthmom who has spent weeks in the hospital before adoption I know just what this means. Lonely, long, scary days and nights. Lots of stress and worry. Tara deserves to have this be as financially stress free as possible. Ashton's GoFundMe page is here

Read more here

#ashtonstrong #TeamAshton #fightlikeapreemie

RARE Disease Day: Leap Year 2016

February 29th is a day that only comes around once every 4 years. It's 'borrowed time', as commonly asserted.. a day to celebrate all things that are unique and rare. The Rare Disease Foundation uses this date as their day of recognition. After all, what could be so Rare as a child with an uncommon illness or disability? A day in June perhaps.. but even a gorgeous summer day can't compare with some of the beauty seen in the eyes of a child who has overcome life threatening illness and come out the other side still smiling. That beauty is what I've seen in S since the very first kicks inside my belly. She's always been a fighter, and her story encourages others as they encounter their own hurdles in life.

Leap Day is supposed to be a day where we appreciate the unique; the uncommon, but also a day of opportunity. Do you know where you were on Leap Days during your lifetime? I can't say for most of them.. but I know that on Leap Day 2012 I was 23 weeks pregnant with a precious little girl. I was terrified. I felt trapped, like I had no way out. Mere days away from the 'final deadline' I felt alone and scrutinized over a decision that I didn't know how to make. I still remember the words of my mother 'you have to do what you feel in your heart is right.. no matter what people will say or think'. 

That lesson has been one I've struggled with for my entire life. From the encounters in middle school where I was afraid to go to school with crutches.. or my anxiety about leaving them home on days I felt ok without them.. to decisions that I've made for my children, I've always worked hard on remembering who I am, what's important to me, what's best for me and the people around me, and letting that be enough. Nothing says that more than the twists and turns of the Baby S Story and the incredibly results that I've seen from Miss S herself. I love that girl; and she is my inspiration to keep pushing every day. 

Elisabeth and I have been hard at work over the last year, and we are thrilled to be able to put this book back up on the Amazon marketplace. We hope to expand the reach of this novel, and bring some of the ethical issues into the limelight that is needed to get people thinking about the value of human life, and the politics of surrogacy. Being on the other side now, I realize the need for these issues to be addressed, and the only way to do that is to start the conversation. I hope to be having a lot of conversations in the next year. So please, buy a copy for your mom, for your church group, for your local library. Share the link with the teachers and lawyers that you know and the single moms and special needs warriors alike. Together our voice can be heard. 

This year I spent Leap Day with two very sick little guys.. my 6 year old has a double ear infection and my 2 month old has RSV. It was far from a glamorous event to see.. bodily fluids and disarray everywhere. Regardless I was still sure to take my daily moment of thanks and thank every part of the universe that made this entire journey possible. S is a once in a lifetime child.. and I get to be her birthmother. I could not be more thankful. <3 span="">

Turning it all around!!

New Year's Day 2015

The Day it all changed

For many years now, I've lived under the shadow of the emotional trauma that comes with the type of experience that I've had. 

I had my good times,and my bad times. The bad times probably outweighed the good most of the time, but there were still some very good times. 

I've lived in a lot of crazy situations since I moved back from Michigan.

*In my ex's parents house

*In a hotel

*In a house that was undergoing eviction

*With my ex

*On my own

*Employed

*Jobless

I always looked for things to get better by some kind of magic. The right job had to fall into my lap, or the right guy had to come along and make everything better. 

It was a story that I'd told myself for so many years that I really believed it. 

Without 'help' I was always just stuck. 

So on New Year's Eve, I took my kids out, and my friend's kids.. and we all had a blast. My daughter's father did not join us. 

He did not come home afterwards either. 

I. Was. Angry. 

 But as I lay in my bed the next morning, all alone, I had an epiphany of sorts if you will. 

I realized that my actions were my own, and that maybe I had something to do with how the night had ended. After all, my anger had turned a simple miscommunication into a big fight that he had decided not to come back because of. 

And that was when it hit me. 

I wasn't living in a way that was making things better. 

I was living a life of anger, disappointment, and hurt. And it was hurting those around me.

Very quickly I realized some very important things:

I had to Live In Love if I wanted things to be different.

I had to Live in Hope

I did it once before.. with a little girl named S. She was the greatest teacher of  

Love and Hope

that I could possibly have asked for. 

Through her, I know that living in love is possible. I know that living with hope is worthwhile. I know that great things can truly happen. 

So now I am living in Hope

Hope that you all believe in these things as much as I do. 

The lessons that I learned while carrying this girl are things that apply to people of all ages, all backgrounds. They are messages of self-worth, of determination and strength. 

These are the stories that the world NEEDS to hear! 

The biggest part of livin in Love and Hope when you are working to enrich the lives of others is always to also be sure you are living in Action!

The Ultimate Love Story:

Saving Stormie: The Baby S Story

We are running a campaign on Kickstarter  

it ends Jan. 24th

The goal is to raise $9000

which will be used for 

Publication expenses

Attorney fees

Author's Insurance

Travel to Michigan for records

We are offering several donation levels, with many different prizes for donating. 

We have t-shirts

ornaments

Personalized thank you notes

opportunities to ask questions

naming of a character

and art rewards coming in the last two weeks! 

We would be so thankful for your support! 

It has  been stated elsewhere before, but our supporters are the reason that Baby S has made it as far as she has. We love you!!

You can follow the link above or click HERE

Merry Christmas Happy Hannukah Joyous Kwanzaa and Blessed Yule

For a few moments there, things were just about perfect.

The chestnuts were roasting (we called it hot chocolate)

The children were nestled (watching movies on the couch)

And visions of sugarplums danced in our heads (more like in front of my eyes as I struggled to get those last few presents wrapped)

Christmas was, and is, magical.

Family, friends, loved ones near and far. We visited everyone we possibly could, and loved on the pretty Miss S for an entire day. We had joy, laughter, and presents galore!!

And then we got hit with a stomach bug.
But.. in the end we did ok :) Christmas was wonderful, unlike many years past. Our hearts are full, and our spirits are renewed.

And so, even though I"m a day or two late.. we wish you all the same joy of the holidays. Whatever holiday that may be.

**just a little reminder that the Kickstarter campaign is still going too! Visit the page HERE**

No 'Easy Sell'

SO.. how is life for all the rest of the world?
For us, it's never easy.

I've become accustomed to having to work harder for an accomplishment than most of my peers. So it was no big shock when the publishing company that I'd contracted with to publish the Baby S Story went bankrupt and took my work off the shelves.

Not a big shock, but still very disappointing.

You see... the beginning of sales was very easy and fun! I talked to a lot of great people; had lots of great ideas, and got some serious work done within the first few weeks of the book being published. With guest bloggers and promo readers lined up and a big ad in a national magazine all lined up, I thought there was a good chance that something good would come of sharing S's story.

After all, her story isn't just one of a disabled child coming into the world. Her story is much more than that.

It's a cautionary tale of surrogacy for others to learn about
It's a tale of strength to help struggling pregnant mothers remain true to themselves.
It's testament to the power of love and  belief in the positive.

It is, in short, what has made ME.

It's changed my life, my health, and my perspective.

All of that can't possibly be fit into one (slightly) fictionalized memoir. And so a second manuscript is being drafted. I can't wait to share it with you all.

Yesterday, a Kickstarter campaign was launched.

What did I learn, how did I grow?
How did being the surrogate to this incredibly complex and yet incredibly resilient and amazing child change me?
How will surrogacy change as a result of my experiences?
How do I want it to change?

There are several different prizes I'm offering for contributing to this project. Baby S is a big part of my life and journey.. come make her a part of yours too!

As of right now, Kickstarter is the launching point.
So take a look HERE

And many blessings to you during these holiday days.

What's it like to BE Happy?

I remember the feeling.. the warm sunshine on my face, the little kicks in my belly. My girls nearby, playing tag on the campus green or the stretch of grass alongside our favorite ice cream spot. For as much turmoil surrounded my stay in Michigan, I can say that the time that I spent there was one of the few times in my past that I can remember being truly happy.


I was doing something good. I was being the type of person that I've wanted to be my whole life; someone who made a difference.

Chaos swirled around me, and most of the time I woke up each morning with another phone message from a lawyer or healthcare provider, but even with the threat of litigation, the medical complications that we were finding more and more information on every day, I was still HAPPY! 

My family was HAPPY. My girls were HAPPY! Even when my daughter was overwhelming me with food stealing and 'toddler' behaviors, and I needed some relief from her constant energy, I was still HAPPY! 

That sounds crazy to me. To be overwhelmed and stressed and at the same time to be so exuberantly happy. Many times I would look at myself in the mirror and think that I must have finally lost my  mind, to be so happy when everything facing me had the potential to bring very bad things my way. 

But somehow I never lost the faith. It wasn't until after S was born, my personal internal struggle with giving her up, and after the whirlwind of legal paperwork and the finality of court where I gave up my parental rights that the situation really overcame me. 

How was life when I was happy? 

I can't lie. I loved it. I was happy, and so were my children. We were able to work together, and enjoy our adventures together. We were a cohesive family unit, working together to get to the other side of our situation. 

Living that way gave me a great insight on how my life could be if I chose to be happy always. I was able to see that being happy was more of a mindset and a mentality than it was simply a set of favorable circumstances to keep me from spiraling into depression and despair as I had done in the past. 

But inevitably the stress and grief of giving up a child for adoption was too much for my psyche to deal with. Leaving Michigan was one of the hardest things that I ever did; driving away from the hospital where the child that I carried for so long was sleeping peacefully within the walls of, knowing nothing of what I was doing and where I was going. 

Coming home to nothing was just as hard. My family went through a very difficult year after we returned to New England. We have been back for almost 2 years now, and are just starting to realize again that 'normal' is something that happens to us too, not just everyone we know. 

One thing that has happened over the last two years as a result of the hardships that we've had is that our once very healthy lifestyle has been compromised. It's hard to do yoga in a hotel room, and eating out doesn't exactly allow for an organic diet. But this was our reality, and it's how we've managed to stay afloat during this transition. Now we are living in a stable home again, and I have a brand new baby niece who's mommy is excited about learning how to make her family more healthy. I want this for us; for all of us. I want us to be healthy and happy, like we were way back when. The situations are different, but that's even better of a reason to be happy this year! 

During the next 3 months my sister and I will be transitioning our household back to the healthy place that gives my heart hope for a healthy future for my children. I hope that you will follow along as I research and explain, implement and experiment with different health choices. My goal is once again have an organic diet (on a budget!) as well as utilizing my most essential healthy oils and supplements for internal and emergency health aids. *I am not a doctor and do not advise on health conditions or make recommendations for treatments of any ailment* I will be starting to practice yoga again, and offering my favorite YouTube videos. I will be meditating for joy and peace and sharing some free meditation resources as I come across them as well! 

In September 2014 I will be releasing BEHappy 2014 as a transformational program for others who want to harness the power of meditation, holistic health and good nutrition to BE Happy in 2014!

If you are interested in following along with the program in it's beta testing phase, please let me know! 

The big release!

After 3 days of watching, the book has made its Amazon debut! Kindle is available now, paperback in a few days I'm told.

I apologize for the short and sweet post, I've been sick.. no rest for the weary!

Surrogate Musings

Have you ever thought about how every single thing in your life really does lead you exactly where you are supposed to go?

Some people have asked me why I want to build my dream off of the dramatics of a surrogacy gone haywire? Why not start over and build it all from the ground up like I was planning to do after the surrogacy.

The answer that I have for them is that I believe that one small life can impact the world in a huge way. I want to be a part of that impact. If S had not been born, I may not have found the strength to push forward and build the life that I want for my family. I was stuck in a mediocre existence before she came along, and her influence has pushed me to be a stronger and more corageous woman. I am no longer afraid to voice my opinions and make them known. I believe in choice as intensely as I believe in breastfeeding and carseat safety.

S made me who I am today. Everything that I believe has been reinforced or defined by her existence. I know so many others who are inspired by her. I have been contacted by individuals around the world who tell me that S has touched their hearts and that they are better individuals for her life being in this world. THAT is powerful. THAT is motivating. That a single child can have such a positive energy in the world before she even enters it captivates me. It reminds me that we all have the ability to be inspirational. We all have the ability to spread joy and happiness.

For we are all surrogates. We are surrogates to the ideas and inspiration of others as we spread awareness, promote our passions, work to change the world and inspire others to do the same. We carry the ideas, methods, and inspiration of others in our everyday life, as if they were our own. We all are surrogates.

I am a surrogate to S. I am also a surrogate to the ideas of natural pregnancy advocates, breastfeeding advocates, holistic practitioners and teachers, philosophers and psychologists. I compile my surrogate knowledge in an attempt to help families of all different shapes and sizes to live the way that will benefit their family, their life, and their resources the best way that they can. Through education they can learn what exactly that is.

My birth daughter gave me that gift. That is her legacy. I want to share this idea with the world. So, although I have many projects in the works, I hope to release, in about a year, another book called Surrogate Musings. It's still a work in progres, but I'm excited about getting it started.

End of life when it's your baby.

I came across this today: 

Baby Blick Only Made a 10-Day Stop on Planet Earth but His Very Presence Spoke Words That Will Last Lifetimes

It was something that hit me in an unexpected way. This entire journey for me has always been about life. But there was a point where I wasn't even sure that S would have one. I remember coming to this realization days after the big ultrasound that had started our whole mess. There was still so much that was unknown, and I didn't have any way of knowing for sure if S would survive. Even with an amnio, I wouldn't have known for weeks if she had some genetic anomaly that would have meant she wouldn't survive the pregnancy. I had no way of knowing that her medical issues didn't include something that would mean she wasn't going to live past the pregnancy. It was a very difficult reality to come to terms with, especially in light of the pressure that I was under. 

I've maintained for quite some time that knowing what I know now, I would never have gone forward with a contract with the intended family. However, I can't say that at the time when I signed the contract I was necessarily in the same mindset as I am now. At one point I didn't know for sure what I would do if I was to find out that my child, or a child that I carried was diagnosed with a fatal or life threatening condition. As a doula and birth advocate, I had read stories of women faced with this particular circumstance, but I had never been in those shoes myself. I would love to say that I knew that I would be able to make a decision in favor of what the contract read, but to this day I have not had that experience. 

Experience is a tricky phenomenon. Given knowledge, we can estimate what we believe would be the 'right' thing to do, or even fathom to project what we would do in any given situation. But when the time comes for us to experience such, often the route we take is not what we believed we would. I've seen this now firsthand, although I don't know that I would have believed it if my situation had never occurred. I've said that I would have gone forward with pregnancy termination if I knew for sure the baby would die, such as in the case of anencephaly or Trisomy 18. But when it came down to it, and I was faced with the prospect of carrying a child that I knew would die.. I don't know that I could have. 

It is heartbreaking to think about the prospect of burying your own child; even moreso when you feel as though you are the only one who wants him or her to survive. A call to perinatal hospice and a trip to a funeral home will leave even the strongest of individuals in a place crippled with grief over the potential outcome of such a sad situation. Even stronger is the challenge of 'what if they are wrong' and 'what if my baby is strong, and survives'. 

Little Zion reminds me so much of my S in the picture that his parents shared with The Blaze. For the first year of her life, I called her my little rhesus monkey because she was so tiny and bald. 

Zion survived. He fought for 10 days and passed peacefully with his family in a loving and supportive environment. 

If S had been handed a similar fate, would I have made a different choice? If her holoprosencephaly had been diagnosed before birth, would I have made a different choice? I can't say for sure, but my heart tells me no. Even if it meant putting myself under the emotional distress of carrying, caring for, and saying goodbye to her, I would like to say that I would have the same decorum and respect for life as these parents did. They gave their son the best possible, knowing that his life would be shorter than anyone hoped for. That is love. That is faith. That is what I strive for. 

S is still surviving. 20 months so far, and getting bigger and better every day. Sometimes they surprise us :)

Fire Within- A Surrogate's Journey

Writing has always been soothing to me. It seems like I say things better in writing than I ever could hope to in real life.When I was younger I would write notes to my parents, telling them how mad I was about some teenage injustice. When I broke up with my first boyfriend I wrote a 5 page letter and burned it in my back yard. I have always loved to write.

It was suggested to me many times that I should write S's story, to remind myself, and tell her about what happened before she was born. Everyone I met on my journey would tell me that it sounded like something out of a Lifetime channel movie. Heck, I thought that myself.

So when I was pregnant, I started writing little notes. I dedicated a notebook to the baby, and saved everything that I could get. Medical charts, social work notes from the hospitals, my records and hers. I would write in my notebook what happened, not usually very specific, but enough so that I remembered the big events. It turned into a box, and now that she's no longer with me, that box helps me to remember my little angel.

When I was first introduced in the eye of the media, I spent a lot of time explaining things, and trying to make people understand my feelings on the matter of surrogacy and my personal feelings about my situation. There were some misconceptions made, incorrect data reported in the media, and of course we all know that once something is put on the internet there is no taking it back. Of course, stating that you did something for money isn't just a little 'something'.

So when I was approached about writing a book to tell the whole story, I said yes.

Fire Within: A Surrogate's Journey is the insider edition of the Baby S story. If you want to know about what I was doing before I got pregnant, it's in there. If you want to know what the date was that I moved to Michigan, it's in there. If you want to know how I feel about this entire escapade, do I need to tell you where to look?

My Facebook page is here: Fire Within


I'm not here to tell you what to think of me. I'm not even here to beg you not to think that what I did was wrong. I am asking you to take a good read into my side, and think about yourself and what you really think about your morals. If you would have made a different choice than I did, well as much as it doesn't give me much faith in humanity as a whole, I won't hate you for that. I just ask that you embrace on thing..

We're all human.

Forever a helper

I've always been the type of person to help people. Right now, it's my sister. She's really more like my best friend, but we have had a very special bond since very very early in life, and I see her, as well as a few others in my inner circle, as family as opposed to just being friends.

The point though, is that I'm known within my own circle to be the helper. I'm the one who people turn to when they need help. If I can help them, they know that I will.

Right now it's my sister. She came to me a few months ago, pregnant and in a bad housing situation. Even though I have been struggling myself, I couldn't turn her away. Currently she and her boyfriend live with me, as do my 11 year old nephew and the baby who is 3 weeks old.

A couple years ago it was another very close friend. She has two children who were living in another part of the country while she tried to get her life together, and she was having a hard time. Today her children are home with her and she moved into her own place just a few months ago. She tells me all the time that if it hadn't been for my constant barrage of inspirational texts, memes on Facebook, and conversations we had when she felt like giving up she might not have gotten this far.

My desire to help people is not something that has come with age. In elementary school I was best friends with a student with Spina-Bifida. I volunteered for a long time with a wheelchair sports team in my local area. I've had to use food pantries, and donate whatever food I don't use back so that others can eat too. I was the annoying kid who didn't ask for candy on Halloween but donations for charity. I have always looked for whatever little way I can help. Perhaps it is that desire to help others that led me into childcare. I love teaching people, and I love watching little minds grow. I love nurturing life; it's what I've done for as long as I can remember.

What I want to do is help people. It's been what has driven all of my career work in childcare, as well as the motivating force behind my surrogacy dreams. Helping others is what keeps my heart and my soul  happy and allows me to move forward with my own sometimes seemingly meaningless existence.

I have this huge vision.. a life's yearning that I can't pull myself away from. The details are so vast and scattered that at times it seems like an impossible dream.And yet every corner I take and every new situation that comes to me seems to be directing me towards at least trying to make this vision into a reality. I see creation in every step along the way; a path leading me towards everything that I"ve ever hoped for in my personal and professional life.

You may ask what is stopping me. I"m not entirely sure of the answer. I know that many of my feelings are controversial, and I also know that the path that I am currently headed down is not entirely the path that I am hoping to find myself on. Special needs children hold a special place in my heart, that's for sure. But they are not who I have yearned to help since the moment I realized how profoundly  my children had changed my life.

Babies.
Young, fresh, vulnerable babies.
They are the ones who I feel need the most protection.

As they enter the world, they are so helpless, and yet they carry with them the future of our entire world. Special needs families go through an identical transition as their small charges enter the world. A new experience opens where a brand new life entrusts everything to their caregivers. The child cannot survive without the assistance of the parent, and the parent is biologically attuned to the needs of the child. However not all beginnings start well, and tragedy surrounding childbirth is far too common. Emotional neglect of children as a result of improper postpartum support is running rampant. You can see it in the eyes of children who grow up with emotionally distant parents and never learn empathy or compassion.  The world is lacking in these things these days, and they don't give our children a very good chance of growing up to be mentally stable and have the ability to sustain healthy relationships with each other. How is the world supposed to survive from the brink of destruction as we are seeing today without the solid framework of a good support system?

I want to be that support. I want to build that system for people who don't have it anywhere else. One day I will say to those people "come, let me help you to be the best parent that you can be and give your child the best chance of a successful life; regardless of their ability level."

My friends have become my family, and through my own personal development I have come to believe that the support of friends and family is the only thing that will help the postpartum family unit to survive. This is what my dream is all about. After all, our children are worth it.

Surprise! I'm not..

I often get confused for a conservative Catholic wrapped up in delusion. The thing is, I've never been conservative, or Christian, and I certainly took a dive away from the direction of delusion when I realized exactly how much legal hoopla I was going to have to deal with in order to stand my ground.

The truth is that I am a pagan. Unspecified, undecided, but following the pagan ways for as long as I can remember having a religious preference. I believe that karma is real, and I believe that you get back what you put into the universe. These are the few things about my spiritual beliefs that are different than most people who I speak to who are Christians.

With all of our differences, one of the things that I have in common with many Christians is that we have similar respect and honor for life. Religious views, that is the way that we see the outside world in relation to our own existence, vary amongst many. However it seems as though the old earth based religions have one very pronounced similarity with the spirituality that Jesus preached: they urge you to be a good person.

Could I have been a Christian with the feelings that I have? In some regards yes. I believe many of the same things about morality, integrity, and right from wrong. We have our differences when talking about life after death and the presence of magic (like karma, energy, etc) in the world, but those are things that I can see past. But the point is that I didn't become a Christian. Many people I know who work in holistic health are Christian, because our energies mesh well. I believe that we, as poeple, are at our best when we are in harmony with nature. I also believe in having good morals. These are both things that my spiritual beliefs reinforce in me. These things give me the passion for holistic living that I have.

The fact that my means for capturing interest in the eye of the public is due to my spiritual beliefs and not my holistic ways honestly makes things rather difficult for me. Because the issues surrounding surrogacy and right to life, I thought for a while that I should try to keep the two separate. Over time I'm realizing that not only is there a connection between the two, (and my interesting twist on that) but they can work together to help people. My personal feelings on these spiritual topics led me to my experience as a surrogate. They also led me to my spiritual association as a Pagan. My spiritual beliefs lead me to the desire to be in harmony with nature. This brings me to my holistic path. My kids are just an extention of that; the search for harmony as well as my extensive research into child development, brain development, and experience as both a caregiver and parent.

You see, there is much much more to me than meets the eyes. More than you could ever hope to discern just by reading a few blogs and poking around at my life story from what you can find online.I hope that at least some of the people who read my posts and judge me as 'that pro-life religious freak' will take a moment to understand the chain of events that has brought me to where I am. You may be surprised at what you find.

Spring will come again!

'I saw robins today..
     ..spring is on it's way'

There is something about the rebirth of the world/ the transformation from winter to spring that brings about hope. I don't know exactly what it is, but the timing for this year's rebirth is perfect. In the past week I've seen two babies brought into the world, watched my sister transform into a breastfeeding mom, and seen signs of the earth's constant cycle of life. I feel good about this..

Two years ago things were not this bright. Then I faced this time of year with a very different perspective. At twenty-something weeks pregnant I was being presented with the prospect that the happy ending I'd been hoping for and looking forward to was coming to an end. The path that laid in front of me was one that I believed would bring about only bad things, and I was partially right. It was one of the darkest hours of my existence, the days riddled with thoughts back and forth. Which choice was the 'right' choice? Which was going to hurt me and my family more? Should I give in to the legal demands and suffer silently with the knowledge of what I had done? Or would it be less devastating to lose the financial benefits and face possible legal devastation of refusing to go through with a procedure I couldn't make myself accept? How do you make that choice?

There are a few things I remember clearly about that time. One of them was right after I'd realized what the date was that year; what it is today. I had put the girls for a nap, and come outside to sit on the steps of my apartment in the middle of the woods and just cry. As I sat there, the light from the sun began to warm my face for the first time I could remember since the last time it had snowed; a few days earlier. My head was pounding in pain, and the warmth of the sun traveled down my face, onto my chest and on my stomach. With my eyes closed, I just sat there, feeling peace wash over me. S's little movements turned into bigger movements as the sun warmed us both up, and I felt good. I opened my eyes, and the sight of the yard was teeming with movement of the animals that lived in the woods behind the house. Birds, squirrels, chipmunks were scattered around the yard, all running in plain sight through the snow. I got up and started to walk towards the tree line, and was soon stopped by a bird who tried to fly straight into me. As I looked down I saw what all the activity in the yard was about. A small little egg sat in the snow, cradled by the indent it had made when it fell. It looked to be intact, and the birds above me were very upset that I had come close to it.

As I stared at that egg, so small and fragile, I couldn't help but feel some sort of connection. It would have been so easy to just say 'that egg will never survive, it's cold and it has been on the ground'. Surely the parents would have gotten over the loss, and moved on to hatch others. I could have stepped on it, returning it to the earth, or I could have just picked it up and put it in the garbage. I could have left it there, prey for the animals of the forest. The egg was not mine, and I had no obligation to try and save it. All of these things played through my head. They all sounded logical, and yet they all just felt so wrong. Who steps on a baby bird? Who disposes of an egg, and halts any chance it may have of becoming a bird? Certainly not someone who has reverence and respect for life. Not someone like me.

Some of you may realize that today is an anniversary. Thirteen years ago I gave birth for the first time. Scared ad alone, my daughter was too small to survive. The absence of her presence in my life has haunted me for years. Today, for only the second time since the day of her birth, I am not facing this day with a heart full of pain and sadness. Today, thanks to a beautiful sweet little girl, my heart is full of hope. S has brought me so many things; opportunities and passion that I could never have imagined. Big things are on the way and I'm excited to see where all of this will take me.

**My book is being published! Join my page on Facebook for details! Fire Within**

**I am writing more! Little Sparks is a book about special needs kid heros!**

Someone once said to me that my daughter's life meant nothing, and that I should just forget about her and move on, and I never really knew how to refute that until now. One of the things that I've come to realize over the last year is that is truly is the experiences that a person endures that makes them who they are. S is alive because of the experience that I had with my first baby. If the reason for my baby's loss was so that I would have the strength to stand up for another child's life, then I guess I'm ok with that. Doesn't make me any less sad that I don't have a 13 year old today, but I can now say I don't regret the experience.

On a lighter note, I've lit my own fire under my passion, and I'm coming on strong. I'm too busy for crying, and I have a lifetime of work to accomplish :)

Are you ready?

Happy Birthday Baby S!!

Happy Birthday Baby S!!

Yesterday marked one year. A year since little girl and I were separated for the first time since conception. The day I let her out into the world; or better yet the day she made her way into the world kicking and screaming.

The day was slightly traumatic for me, so I apologize that this post is coming a day late, but I had so many emotions that ran rampant through my head thinking about how much this day means, and how proud I am of that sweet baby.

Except she isn't a baby anymore.. now is she?
She still looks a bit like a baby, but she's now considered a toddler. She has a mind, a will of her own, and I am so happy to be able to see her grow and develop.

I wasn't sure just how to put it into perspective, but her adoptive mom said it so well. I can't share her exact words with you, but through her words I wrote this short letter to my birth daughter on her birthday:

S, it's hard to look back at all you've accomplished this year and not be amazed by all you have accomplished. You are turning one, but your resiliency began long before your birth. From the challenges of being a embryo, created in a petri dish, and frozen for years just waiting for your chance, to the extreme challenge of surviving the thawing process and implantation, it is hard for anyone to doubt that you do not have an extraordinary will to live.

I still have a hard time coming to terms with the diagnoses that you have received. Some of these are so devastating in clinical presentation, and yet you seem to shine on regardless. You've baffled your doctors, and shown us all that medical diagnoses are not the end all-be all. Even with a brain deformity that carries something like an 85% death rate in early infancy, you are still here, and you are growing and learning more and more every day. You are a miracle baby, and I'll tell anyone who asks that I truly believe you will do more than anybody thinks you are capable of.

I am proud to have kept you safe for the time that you were entrusted to me. And yes, I still deal every day with the wish that I could have you by my side as you grow. I see such beauty and joy in your eyes, and I wish I could be a much bigger part of that than I am able to be. But I also know that you are absolutely in the best possible hands, and that you have a wonderful loving family that will give you everything you need and desire. I hope that everyone can see just a little bit of me in you.. but moreso I hope that you can show them all that just because your life isn't "normal" doesn't mean it isn't worth living.

I love you baby girl. Stay strong, and keep proving everyone wrong.

Your Momma.

As the clock chimes..

Times, they are a-changing! 

It's been a little while since I last posted, and so things have changed as the time has gone on. Thanks to everyone who is and has been reading this blog.. but things are about to change quite a bit around here. 

First of all, Baby S is doing fine. I just want to assure you all of that. She is getting so big, and I am so so so proud of her and everything that she is accomplishing. She will be a year old soon, and after that date comes, I don't know that there will be much on this blog about her anymore. 

My family and I are moving forward. I have found some new direction, and will be launching my brand new non-profit business soon. More on that in a few: 

But most of all, we are ready to move forward in our life and get ourselves back to independent living. I am thankful for my kids' dad who has been footing the bill for the hotel where we have been staying for the last 3 months, but I simply cannot stand living in a hotel anymore. It's freaking embarrassing to say I work full time and I live in a hotel with my 2 kids and our dog. Not to mention not being able to cook, clean properly, and having other people have access to my stuff while I"m away (although I haven't suspected anyone of going into our room while we're gone.. still it *could* happen).

My oldest daughter is turning 5 this year. She is amazing and bright and wonderful. In just over a month she will have her birthday, and I already know what she wants. She has told me that she wants her bed back, with all her Tinkerbell sheets and pillows, and her toys. It make me want to cry that I can't give her these things.

Accumulating money is slow. Bills pile up, the van needs repairs, and even clothing and food costs are outrageous. Despite all this I have managed to save almost $1500 in the last 2 months. Housing is expensive in this wonderful state though, and I'm looking at any and every place that I can find under $1200 a month. 

Here is where things get funny. I reluctantly asked the internet world for help back when I was dealing with the immediate effects of being asked to terminate the pregnancy, and my subsequent relocation. I received a LOT of backlash from that request. But.. I also met a fantastic community of wonderful people who were able and willing to help me and my family with the resources I needed. Thanks to them my time in Michigan was spent focusing on doing the best I could for Baby S and my other children, and not on financial trouble or worry. I tell everyone that I was just the vessel, and that my success in bringing Baby S to the world is really thanks to all the amazing people I had supporting me. 

So.. based upon previous experience.. and based upon letters and emails I have received.. I am repeating my request. I never thought that almost a year after birthing that beautiful girl I would still be in the difficult position that I have been in. I know that there are people who will be appalled that I'm asking anyone to help me. I know there are plenty of people who will tell me to go to charities.. which I've already tried. But I'm so close to being able to gain back my independence.. and I think my girls deserve to have a place to call home. 

A friend of mine introduced me to Continue to Give back after Baby S was born. At the time I was using GiveForward, so I never tried to use the site, but I've checked it out now and I really like it :) 

Please, if you feel so inclined.. fill out the info and donate to our cause. We will be having other fundraisers soon, and stay posted for details on the new non-profit as well as other projects and things we will have going on. 

For now.. may you all be blessed, enjoy the weather as it starts to warm up, and continue to hold Baby S in your thoughts and prayers. You are all in mine! <3 span="">

Say what you will.

I don't really know how to start this post, but I feel I need to say something regarding all the critics who have been popping up, and the accusations that are being made.
I'm sure by now everyone reading this has seen the story on CNN or read something online about the story of Baby S. If you have looked at the comments, you've realized that opinions vary, and people can be downright nasty when they don't agree. I'm going to try to address the three comments I am seeing most frequently, as easily as I can in this format.

Religion- Many people have made the assumption that I am a die-hard Catholic and that my views on abortion are the result of religious brainwashing. I'm sorry to tell you that you are wrong.
That's right, I'm not Catholic. In fact, in not even Christian!
My pro-life standpoint comes from my own brain, my spiritual beliefs, and a great sense of respect for life. I am also against capital punishment, animal abuse and euthanization. I believe in karma and fate above all, and I am certain that ensuring Baby S. had a chance at both life and a happy home brings me good karma.

Money- This is where CNN got it wrong (although I'm sure many people won't believe me). When I began looking to work as a surrogate, money was not one of my main priorities. I had a job at that time, and I had a partner who made more than enough for us to live comfortably. Yes, after I was pregnant and lost my job; when my partner and I split up, money was a concern. I'm sure that is why I was offered money to abort, and yeah, I considered what amount would allow me to run far away and forget the whole situation, as explained in earlier posts. But in the end, no amount of money was worth taking a life, and I certainly didn't end up in a good financial position at any point in this journey. I received nothing from the IPs after Feb. 2012, and I did not get a dime from the adoptive family.
Hear that? NOT A DIME. I moved to Michigan with nothing. Some very supportive family and friends made that possible. The only assistance i received was medical, and I still have bills even with medicaid. I lived on next to nothing for 4 months while all this played out. I came back to CT to jobs that never panned out, and lived with my ex until Feb. 2013. We're now homeless. If I had money, don't you think I'd have a bit more than a $3000 hospital bill and a storage unit with all my belongings in it?

I don't tell this so you'll feel sorry for me, but to make a point. I didn't gain anything by fighting for Baby S's life. If anything, I lost a lot more. I lost friends, my security, resources, and more. I never did this for MY benefit. Say what you want.

Baby S's Welfare- So many people seem to think that Baby S is a vegetable. I wish you all could see how far from the truth that is! CNN didn't catch how she will stand on your lap and bounce; how she gets agitated when you stop. How she chews on her adoptive father's coffee cup or is going through a (very age appropriate) mommy stage. Sure, there are things she is behind on, but in so many ways she is just like any other baby! We don't know exactly how she is going to develop, but that alone shows me how much this little girl deserved a chance to live. She may not communicate like you and me, but trust me she will not be one to sit by and not make her opinions heard! When her cleft is repaired, everyone who knows her believes she will talk.

So I guess the short lesson of this fairly long post is please, stop assuming you have all knowledge  about me, Baby S, or any of this just because you heard a short segment on CNN. I know it is human nature to judge, but until you live my life and you see the world through my eyes, let's remember that first and foremost I am a person, just like you. Baby S. is a person too, and we both deserve respect, even if you are not in agreement.

I hate Valentine's Day.. recount of Feb. 12, years gone by.

Valentine's Day at one point was one of my favorite holidays. I was a high school student, and later I was a daycare teacher. Teaching 'my kids' about the power of love, and celebrating love itself was one of my favorite things. I dreamed of the day when I would experience true love and be able to really teach the meaning of love to my own children.

In 2001, I was in college in Kentucky. I had told no one, but I was pregnant. And at 19 weeks, two days before Valentine's Day, in a campus clinic, I gave birth to a little girl that nobody could save. I named her Miranda, and Valentine's Day changed forever.
I never found out what caused Miranda's death. But every year I would spend the days leading up to 'the day of love' curled up on my bed, remembering the horrific experience of giving birth to a child who was too small to live, alone in a facility that was in no way equipped to handle what was happening to me. Coupled with failed relationships and men who took advantage of my feelings for them, and I grew to hate Valentine's Day more and more every year.

A year ago, I was in a very different place. Faced with the torment of making a decision about the life of another little baby, my experience with Miranda played a profound part in my life. The timing of the events could not have been a coincidence. Right around the time when I normally would have curled up in a ball and spent days grieving over the baby that I was never able to have, I was presented with the opportunity to save another little baby from a similar, and yet so very different, fate. In the turmoil, I actually failed to realize the date of her death. A couple days later, I was consumed with the need to save the baby that lived inside my womb, for the sake of her sister-in-pregnancy. I could not bear to think that I would voluntarily repeat my experience with Miranda. The thought of having two children to mourn in February; well to be honest I was pretty sure it would kill me. I like to think that Miranda was watching over Baby S for those days.

And here we are a year later. Baby S is a lively, thriving little girl. She is so much more than anybody expected her to be. When I look into her pretty blue(ish) eyes, I can see that sparkle that makes me know that I did the right thing by standing up for her. She'll probably never know what I did for her; who knows what her mental capacity will be, but I have faith that a little bit of that baby that I never got to watch grow up, the child I wished for so much who wasn't meant to be here with me now, is living on in that sweet baby that I saved from the same fate.

I love you Baby S... and I love you Miranda

But I still hate Valentine's Day.. 

Unintentional insults

It's taken me a while to write this post, but I"m coming out of my deep dark hole and finally really processing how I am feeling and what I can do about it. So please, bare with me.

It's been three weeks since the day Baby S had surgery, and I'm still processing exactly what happened that day and how I feel about it. There were a few moments that still threaten to make me break down, no matter how hard I try to shove them into the back corner of my head and not let them bother me.

The first was the way everyone looked at me. The doctors know her adoptive parents well. They have seen them every week, or every other week, for the last 5 months, and their relationship is solid and unchanging. I'm the stranger. I don't like feeling like the outcast in an already tense and uncomfortable situation, like my beautiful baby having to have open heart surgery. I hate the way they look at me; I can just see the questions on their face "who is this girl and what is she doing here?"

But mostly, there's the things that people say. The little things, things that wouldn't bother any other parent, but that bother me because I"m not the same. I'm not the mom who didn't give up her baby because of a medical defect. I'm the mom who gave her baby to someone else to raise so that she could move past this pregnancy like I was supposed to from the beginning.

When I was sitting in the waiting room, while R and T were in the room with Baby S right after surgery, there were two other women there. Now, it was a small room, so there was no way to not hear what they were saying. I came to understand that each of them had a baby that was in the hospital, and had been for a while. One was a little baby girl, maybe about 3-4 weeks old, the other an older infant. The two women had obviously seen each other in the unit before, because they talked easily, they knew who each other were. This I expected; families with children that are having long-term stays in ICU usually bond with each other. What I didn't expect was to hear part of a conversation that would crush my heart and bring back all the guilt and indecision of the last few days before Baby S's adoption went through.

"Our doctors strongly encouraged us to terminate" out of the mouth of one mother.
"So did ours" from the other.
"How could I give up on my baby?"
"I don't understand how anybody could say they would do anything other than have and take care of their child".

And there I am, the mother who 'gave up' my baby. The one who fought past the talk of termination just to give her to another family to raise.. because she was too complicated and too difficult to do it myself.

I know, I know, how were they to know? They didn't know Who I am, why I was sitting there waiting for someone to tell me I could go see my Baby S. But there they were.. and how those words really really hurt. They're right. How could I? How could I give up on her and give her away so easily?

That conversation still haunts me. I see those women in my dreams, I hear their voices in my head all the time. And no matter how many times I justify to others, and to myself, that I did the right thing.. this thought of 'how could I?' still hangs over my head.

I know logically I did what was right.. and I know that nobody in the world would dare think that I gave up on Baby S after all all the fighting I did for her, but the battle in my head is bigger and stronger than I really know how to handle. I feel myself slipping down that slippery slope, and I am fighting so hard to stay afloat. I just hope I find a foothold soon.

You may notice things are changing. And I'm sorry to do it so suddenly, but it seems as though something needs to be done.

Baby S's family needs their privacy. I respect that. I respect that as much as I want to write about every little thing that happens, and share every picture of her with the world, she is not mine to do that with.

It makes me sad, but I have to let Baby S's family have her. I have to let go of that desire to share her with everyone, and let her family make those decisions. She's not my child anymore, and so the decisions are no longer mine. This blog is public, and at any point some random creeper could find it. The links to the blog have been shared in many different public forums, on Facebook, and will probably be shared a lot more in the future as others learn of her and our story.

But she's just a baby. She's a person, and like every other person she has a right to her own anonymity. Her family has the right to live their own life without the risk of some crazy finding them and harassing them. So things are changing.

I have my own family blog at the original link.
The link and name of this blog have been changed.
and many of the references have been changed in past posts.

Please do me a favor and show me that you can respect my baby girl and her new family.