Say what you will.

I don't really know how to start this post, but I feel I need to say something regarding all the critics who have been popping up, and the accusations that are being made.
I'm sure by now everyone reading this has seen the story on CNN or read something online about the story of Baby S. If you have looked at the comments, you've realized that opinions vary, and people can be downright nasty when they don't agree. I'm going to try to address the three comments I am seeing most frequently, as easily as I can in this format.

Religion- Many people have made the assumption that I am a die-hard Catholic and that my views on abortion are the result of religious brainwashing. I'm sorry to tell you that you are wrong.
That's right, I'm not Catholic. In fact, in not even Christian!
My pro-life standpoint comes from my own brain, my spiritual beliefs, and a great sense of respect for life. I am also against capital punishment, animal abuse and euthanization. I believe in karma and fate above all, and I am certain that ensuring Baby S. had a chance at both life and a happy home brings me good karma.

Money- This is where CNN got it wrong (although I'm sure many people won't believe me). When I began looking to work as a surrogate, money was not one of my main priorities. I had a job at that time, and I had a partner who made more than enough for us to live comfortably. Yes, after I was pregnant and lost my job; when my partner and I split up, money was a concern. I'm sure that is why I was offered money to abort, and yeah, I considered what amount would allow me to run far away and forget the whole situation, as explained in earlier posts. But in the end, no amount of money was worth taking a life, and I certainly didn't end up in a good financial position at any point in this journey. I received nothing from the IPs after Feb. 2012, and I did not get a dime from the adoptive family.
Hear that? NOT A DIME. I moved to Michigan with nothing. Some very supportive family and friends made that possible. The only assistance i received was medical, and I still have bills even with medicaid. I lived on next to nothing for 4 months while all this played out. I came back to CT to jobs that never panned out, and lived with my ex until Feb. 2013. We're now homeless. If I had money, don't you think I'd have a bit more than a $3000 hospital bill and a storage unit with all my belongings in it?

I don't tell this so you'll feel sorry for me, but to make a point. I didn't gain anything by fighting for Baby S's life. If anything, I lost a lot more. I lost friends, my security, resources, and more. I never did this for MY benefit. Say what you want.

Baby S's Welfare- So many people seem to think that Baby S is a vegetable. I wish you all could see how far from the truth that is! CNN didn't catch how she will stand on your lap and bounce; how she gets agitated when you stop. How she chews on her adoptive father's coffee cup or is going through a (very age appropriate) mommy stage. Sure, there are things she is behind on, but in so many ways she is just like any other baby! We don't know exactly how she is going to develop, but that alone shows me how much this little girl deserved a chance to live. She may not communicate like you and me, but trust me she will not be one to sit by and not make her opinions heard! When her cleft is repaired, everyone who knows her believes she will talk.

So I guess the short lesson of this fairly long post is please, stop assuming you have all knowledge  about me, Baby S, or any of this just because you heard a short segment on CNN. I know it is human nature to judge, but until you live my life and you see the world through my eyes, let's remember that first and foremost I am a person, just like you. Baby S. is a person too, and we both deserve respect, even if you are not in agreement.

I hate Valentine's Day.. recount of Feb. 12, years gone by.

Valentine's Day at one point was one of my favorite holidays. I was a high school student, and later I was a daycare teacher. Teaching 'my kids' about the power of love, and celebrating love itself was one of my favorite things. I dreamed of the day when I would experience true love and be able to really teach the meaning of love to my own children.

In 2001, I was in college in Kentucky. I had told no one, but I was pregnant. And at 19 weeks, two days before Valentine's Day, in a campus clinic, I gave birth to a little girl that nobody could save. I named her Miranda, and Valentine's Day changed forever.
I never found out what caused Miranda's death. But every year I would spend the days leading up to 'the day of love' curled up on my bed, remembering the horrific experience of giving birth to a child who was too small to live, alone in a facility that was in no way equipped to handle what was happening to me. Coupled with failed relationships and men who took advantage of my feelings for them, and I grew to hate Valentine's Day more and more every year.

A year ago, I was in a very different place. Faced with the torment of making a decision about the life of another little baby, my experience with Miranda played a profound part in my life. The timing of the events could not have been a coincidence. Right around the time when I normally would have curled up in a ball and spent days grieving over the baby that I was never able to have, I was presented with the opportunity to save another little baby from a similar, and yet so very different, fate. In the turmoil, I actually failed to realize the date of her death. A couple days later, I was consumed with the need to save the baby that lived inside my womb, for the sake of her sister-in-pregnancy. I could not bear to think that I would voluntarily repeat my experience with Miranda. The thought of having two children to mourn in February; well to be honest I was pretty sure it would kill me. I like to think that Miranda was watching over Baby S for those days.

And here we are a year later. Baby S is a lively, thriving little girl. She is so much more than anybody expected her to be. When I look into her pretty blue(ish) eyes, I can see that sparkle that makes me know that I did the right thing by standing up for her. She'll probably never know what I did for her; who knows what her mental capacity will be, but I have faith that a little bit of that baby that I never got to watch grow up, the child I wished for so much who wasn't meant to be here with me now, is living on in that sweet baby that I saved from the same fate.

I love you Baby S... and I love you Miranda

But I still hate Valentine's Day.. 

Unintentional insults

It's taken me a while to write this post, but I"m coming out of my deep dark hole and finally really processing how I am feeling and what I can do about it. So please, bare with me.

It's been three weeks since the day Baby S had surgery, and I'm still processing exactly what happened that day and how I feel about it. There were a few moments that still threaten to make me break down, no matter how hard I try to shove them into the back corner of my head and not let them bother me.

The first was the way everyone looked at me. The doctors know her adoptive parents well. They have seen them every week, or every other week, for the last 5 months, and their relationship is solid and unchanging. I'm the stranger. I don't like feeling like the outcast in an already tense and uncomfortable situation, like my beautiful baby having to have open heart surgery. I hate the way they look at me; I can just see the questions on their face "who is this girl and what is she doing here?"

But mostly, there's the things that people say. The little things, things that wouldn't bother any other parent, but that bother me because I"m not the same. I'm not the mom who didn't give up her baby because of a medical defect. I'm the mom who gave her baby to someone else to raise so that she could move past this pregnancy like I was supposed to from the beginning.

When I was sitting in the waiting room, while R and T were in the room with Baby S right after surgery, there were two other women there. Now, it was a small room, so there was no way to not hear what they were saying. I came to understand that each of them had a baby that was in the hospital, and had been for a while. One was a little baby girl, maybe about 3-4 weeks old, the other an older infant. The two women had obviously seen each other in the unit before, because they talked easily, they knew who each other were. This I expected; families with children that are having long-term stays in ICU usually bond with each other. What I didn't expect was to hear part of a conversation that would crush my heart and bring back all the guilt and indecision of the last few days before Baby S's adoption went through.

"Our doctors strongly encouraged us to terminate" out of the mouth of one mother.
"So did ours" from the other.
"How could I give up on my baby?"
"I don't understand how anybody could say they would do anything other than have and take care of their child".

And there I am, the mother who 'gave up' my baby. The one who fought past the talk of termination just to give her to another family to raise.. because she was too complicated and too difficult to do it myself.

I know, I know, how were they to know? They didn't know Who I am, why I was sitting there waiting for someone to tell me I could go see my Baby S. But there they were.. and how those words really really hurt. They're right. How could I? How could I give up on her and give her away so easily?

That conversation still haunts me. I see those women in my dreams, I hear their voices in my head all the time. And no matter how many times I justify to others, and to myself, that I did the right thing.. this thought of 'how could I?' still hangs over my head.

I know logically I did what was right.. and I know that nobody in the world would dare think that I gave up on Baby S after all all the fighting I did for her, but the battle in my head is bigger and stronger than I really know how to handle. I feel myself slipping down that slippery slope, and I am fighting so hard to stay afloat. I just hope I find a foothold soon.

Response to: "The Dog Bite & The Family Above Me" and Online community

There is this great blog that I read a lot. It's called 'Single Dad Laughing' and I think it is an absolutely wonderful perspective into the mind of a single father raising his son. I have followed Dan's blog for quite some time now, and almost always enjoy reading what he has to say.
The post he made just a few days ago, "The Dog Bite & The Family Above Me" (which can be found here: http://www.danoah.com/2012/12/the-dog-bite-family-above-me.html sorry I haven't figured out linking here on Blogspot) really warmed my heart. Such a kind man, such an unfortunate situation, and yet such a gracious and unselfish thing that he is doing for this family.
The next day, another post appeared (seen here: http://www.danoah.com/2012/12/the-people-the-dog-and-the-ass.html again, sorry no link) stating that they had raised over $10,000 for this family. Wow. That is amazing. Good job Dan!

And then I started thinking about it a little more, and suddenly began feeling a little less impressed. A little more angered. And here's why:
While it's absolutely wonderful that Dan was willing to put the family above him on his blog and raise some money for them to have a wonderful Christmas, and it's wonderful that now he's figuring out whether to give it to one family or a few, it's still just a small dent in the bucket! People are giving thousands of dollars to a family that they had never even heard of until 3 days ago. Why? Because it was posted on some blog? We don't know who these people are or where they live, what their 'excuses' are or anything else.
These people live nowhere near us, and yet there are so many people willing to give them money, while people in their own backyards are suffering and they more often than not turn a blind eye to it. Is it because of Dan's popularity that this family is going to have a happy Christmas present? Probably.
What would have happened if they weren't 'found' and put on Dan's page? Most likely, nothing.
How many other families are out there just barely getting by and wishing every day that someone would care enough to give them a win? Hundreds.. maybe even thousands.

So while I certainly am not condemning Dan for his post, or any of the people who donated and continue to do so, I will say this.

Charity starts in your own backyard.
The single, unemployed mother getting evicted from her home.
The relinquishing mother consumed by guilt at giving up her baby for adoption.
The family who can't afford a Christmas tree or presents because their wrecked car wiped out their Christmas fund, and since it's SO close to the holidays all the spots at the local charities are full.
The family who's child is in the hospital for Christmas with a life-threatening condition.

Yes, several of these apply to me, but they also apply to people I know personally. How do they get a win? Cuz goodwill only goes so far..

Online community is great. It connects people, and it helps things to happen that would never have had a chance without it. I know that personally. But it also isolates us, leaves us without that personal connection to our neighbors and our community.
So before you send off money to a family you barely know; or don't know at all, think about your neighbors and your friends who could use some help too. Let's bring the 'win's' to everyone this holiday season. You never know who's life you'll change.

You may notice things are changing. And I'm sorry to do it so suddenly, but it seems as though something needs to be done.

Baby S's family needs their privacy. I respect that. I respect that as much as I want to write about every little thing that happens, and share every picture of her with the world, she is not mine to do that with.

It makes me sad, but I have to let Baby S's family have her. I have to let go of that desire to share her with everyone, and let her family make those decisions. She's not my child anymore, and so the decisions are no longer mine. This blog is public, and at any point some random creeper could find it. The links to the blog have been shared in many different public forums, on Facebook, and will probably be shared a lot more in the future as others learn of her and our story.

But she's just a baby. She's a person, and like every other person she has a right to her own anonymity. Her family has the right to live their own life without the risk of some crazy finding them and harassing them. So things are changing.

I have my own family blog at the original link.
The link and name of this blog have been changed.
and many of the references have been changed in past posts.

Please do me a favor and show me that you can respect my baby girl and her new family.

What's it all about?

People have asked me, "what's the point of all of this?" "Why are you going public?" "Are you just trying to drum up pity (or money)?" ...the answer to that is NO. I know it's hard for some people to understand, but this isn't about money. Yeah, it would be nice to have some, but I'm not about exploiting people.. especially not newborn babies.. and I'm not about trying to drum up pity. Trust me, for as much as I am self conscious, and nervous about putting it all out there for fear of criticism, I really feel there are some hard-core issues that my experience sheds light on. Experiences that are too often swept under the proverbial rug, or hushed by court ordered (client demanded) non-disclosure agreements. Well all that stops here. There are three main issues that come into play in a scenario such as mine. This is not only a pro-life issue; as much as I have envisioned and portrayed it to be such, it is also a surrogacy issue, and a special needs advocacy issue. The three areas are very different, and yet they all share this common thread when it comes to the unborn child. Each of these is probably worthy of it's own individual post, but I'm going to go through my thoughts quickly here. Surrogacy The world of surrogacy is dark and mysterious. It's hidden behind nondisclosure agreements and contract language that doesn't allow surrogates to expose their situations, or complications with those situations, to the world. That is the very reason my blog had to be closed for so long; because of contract language. So there is noone out there telling the story of all these surrogacy's gone wrong. People looking into surrogacy cannot possibly fathom all the different 'bad' scenarios that can happen. I was 'lucky' enough to experience just about all of them at once. Lucky me. There is also a lack of consistency in laws when it comes to surrogacy. Many states have absolutely no laws on the books regarding it, while others have outlawed it, and still others have a law or two, but nothing substantial. I give a lot of credit to my amazing lawyer in CT who found the information on surrogacy law in different states, even though he is not/was not a surrogacy or reproductive rights lawyer! There seriously needs to be something done about that, for the safety and well being of all current and future surrogates, their intended parents, and the children brought into the world as a result of these arrangements. Pro-Life There is obviously the pro-life issue here of aborting a fetus. The bigger issue here is the coercion of people to try and persuade another to abort. The hiring of lawyers, the 'ganging up' against surrogates, and others who are not surrogates, by perceived authority figures and experts to try and coerce the individual into feeling she has no choice but to abort. I'm not even one of those die-hard pro-life advocates is the funny part. For me, myself, yes. I am very pro-life and everyone who knows me knows it. But I have friends who have had abortions, and I have friends who have chosen adoption. I have offered to take custody of children that were the result of unintended pregnancies, and I have been there for many of my friends as they came to terms with the decisions they had made or were faced with. I pride myself in being non-judgemental. However, as previously stated, for myself I am very strongly pro-life. I live it, I believe it, it is a part of my inner soul and I cannot deny it. I have lost a child at 19 weeks, I have lost a child at 8 weeks. I have been there, and I've known the pain that comes with losing a child that is inside of your body and does not become your flesh and blood growing before you. That I cannot do again. I sure as hell won't do it voluntarily. In my eyes every child deserves a chance at life. My children; those born of my body, are given every opportunity that I can afford them, and the first of these is the right to live. I make no apologies for that view, and I made that as clear as I could have made it to the IPs as well. The oversight in my contract; well, that goes back to the surrogacy issue. My agent should be fired.. but I digress. Special Needs Advocacy This is where things get a little tricky. Not everyone is going to agree with me, and a lot of people are probably not going to like this viewpoint, but it is a valid argument and something that needs to be addressed. We are killing off special needs children. It's a soapbox that many people stand on, and I stand with them. The attitudes of the doctors, the specialists, the 'experts' that so many willingly follow and believe without question is that it's ok to abort these babies. Their language suggests abortion as a viable and acceptable option. I can't put into words exactly how they do it, but it takes a strong person to go against the doctors and say 'my child deserves the right to live.' I understand all about preparing the parents for the worst, but half the time those tests are wrong! A geneticist told me after one ultrasound that Baby S. would never be able to breathe on her own because she didn't open her hands. Well, she came out screaming so I guess that woman was wrong. Based on what she said, someone less devoted to preserving her life might have aborted. Based on what a lot of people said a lot of children HAVE been aborted! It's not right, and it's not fair for the doctors to abuse their power in this way. I won't go as far as to liken their behaviors to that of Hitler with the Jews, but it has a certain familiarity to it. It's an issue very closely related to the Pro-Life movement, but it strikes a very strong chord with me. Having worked with special needs kids, and having my own, I weep for a world that doesn't know the joy these children can bring. I really want all of this to get out. I want people to see my story, and talk about it. I want things to happen so that these situations are far less prevalent. The way to institute change is to make people aware, and right now most of these issues (obviously not the pro-life movement, but the others) are kept quiet. Let's get them talking. At least my horrible situation will be able to be used to bring awareness of and hopefully it will get things moving in the right direction for some positive change. Please, share your stories with me. I would love to hear from you.

Carrying on and moving back to 'normal'

The time has come. Time for moving on.

I would have thought I would have some stronger feelings about this. But I don't. I'm ready.

I'm ready to not struggle anymore.
I'm ready to get back to what my life was before all this happened.
I'm ready to be around my friends again.
I'm ready to work on the things that matter; the things that have had to go by the wayside while everything here worked itself out.

As much as I hate to admit it; as much as I never thought I could say it about Connecticut... I'm ready to go home.


I did my job. Baby S has a loving family who will stand by her and support her.
I saved her life.. and now they will help her to live it. And while I am still sad that I won't be the one holding her hand as she goes forward, I am happy and confident that I will get to watch the beautiful life I brought into the world to flourish and blossom.