I remember the feeling.. the warm sunshine on my face, the little kicks in my belly. My girls nearby, playing tag on the campus green or the stretch of grass alongside our favorite ice cream spot. For as much turmoil surrounded my stay in Michigan, I can say that the time that I spent there was one of the few times in my past that I can remember being truly happy.
I was doing something good. I was being the type of person that I've wanted to be my whole life; someone who made a difference.
Chaos swirled around me, and most of the time I woke up each morning with another phone message from a lawyer or healthcare provider, but even with the threat of litigation, the medical complications that we were finding more and more information on every day, I was still HAPPY!
My family was HAPPY. My girls were HAPPY! Even when my daughter was overwhelming me with food stealing and 'toddler' behaviors, and I needed some relief from her constant energy, I was still HAPPY!
That sounds crazy to me. To be overwhelmed and stressed and at the same time to be so exuberantly happy. Many times I would look at myself in the mirror and think that I must have finally lost my mind, to be so happy when everything facing me had the potential to bring very bad things my way.
But somehow I never lost the faith. It wasn't until after S was born, my personal internal struggle with giving her up, and after the whirlwind of legal paperwork and the finality of court where I gave up my parental rights that the situation really overcame me.
How was life when I was happy?
I can't lie. I loved it. I was happy, and so were my children. We were able to work together, and enjoy our adventures together. We were a cohesive family unit, working together to get to the other side of our situation.
Living that way gave me a great insight on how my life could be if I chose to be happy always. I was able to see that being happy was more of a mindset and a mentality than it was simply a set of favorable circumstances to keep me from spiraling into depression and despair as I had done in the past.
But inevitably the stress and grief of giving up a child for adoption was too much for my psyche to deal with. Leaving Michigan was one of the hardest things that I ever did; driving away from the hospital where the child that I carried for so long was sleeping peacefully within the walls of, knowing nothing of what I was doing and where I was going.
Coming home to nothing was just as hard. My family went through a very difficult year after we returned to New England. We have been back for almost 2 years now, and are just starting to realize again that 'normal' is something that happens to us too, not just everyone we know.
One thing that has happened over the last two years as a result of the hardships that we've had is that our once very healthy lifestyle has been compromised. It's hard to do yoga in a hotel room, and eating out doesn't exactly allow for an organic diet. But this was our reality, and it's how we've managed to stay afloat during this transition. Now we are living in a stable home again, and I have a brand new baby niece who's mommy is excited about learning how to make her family more healthy. I want this for us; for all of us. I want us to be healthy and happy, like we were way back when. The situations are different, but that's even better of a reason to be happy this year!
During the next 3 months my sister and I will be transitioning our household back to the healthy place that gives my heart hope for a healthy future for my children. I hope that you will follow along as I research and explain, implement and experiment with different health choices. My goal is once again have an organic diet (on a budget!) as well as utilizing my most essential healthy oils and supplements for internal and emergency health aids. *I am not a doctor and do not advise on health conditions or make recommendations for treatments of any ailment* I will be starting to practice yoga again, and offering my favorite YouTube videos. I will be meditating for joy and peace and sharing some free meditation resources as I come across them as well!
In September 2014 I will be releasing BEHappy 2014 as a transformational program for others who want to harness the power of meditation, holistic health and good nutrition to BE Happy in 2014!
If you are interested in following along with the program in it's beta testing phase, please let me know!