'I saw robins today..
..spring is on it's way'
There is something about the rebirth of the world/ the transformation from winter to spring that brings about hope. I don't know exactly what it is, but the timing for this year's rebirth is perfect. In the past week I've seen two babies brought into the world, watched my sister transform into a breastfeeding mom, and seen signs of the earth's constant cycle of life. I feel good about this..
Two years ago things were not this bright. Then I faced this time of year with a very different perspective. At twenty-something weeks pregnant I was being presented with the prospect that the happy ending I'd been hoping for and looking forward to was coming to an end. The path that laid in front of me was one that I believed would bring about only bad things, and I was partially right. It was one of the darkest hours of my existence, the days riddled with thoughts back and forth. Which choice was the 'right' choice? Which was going to hurt me and my family more? Should I give in to the legal demands and suffer silently with the knowledge of what I had done? Or would it be less devastating to lose the financial benefits and face possible legal devastation of refusing to go through with a procedure I couldn't make myself accept? How do you make that choice?
There are a few things I remember clearly about that time. One of them was right after I'd realized what the date was that year; what it is today. I had put the girls for a nap, and come outside to sit on the steps of my apartment in the middle of the woods and just cry. As I sat there, the light from the sun began to warm my face for the first time I could remember since the last time it had snowed; a few days earlier. My head was pounding in pain, and the warmth of the sun traveled down my face, onto my chest and on my stomach. With my eyes closed, I just sat there, feeling peace wash over me. S's little movements turned into bigger movements as the sun warmed us both up, and I felt good. I opened my eyes, and the sight of the yard was teeming with movement of the animals that lived in the woods behind the house. Birds, squirrels, chipmunks were scattered around the yard, all running in plain sight through the snow. I got up and started to walk towards the tree line, and was soon stopped by a bird who tried to fly straight into me. As I looked down I saw what all the activity in the yard was about. A small little egg sat in the snow, cradled by the indent it had made when it fell. It looked to be intact, and the birds above me were very upset that I had come close to it.
As I stared at that egg, so small and fragile, I couldn't help but feel some sort of connection. It would have been so easy to just say 'that egg will never survive, it's cold and it has been on the ground'. Surely the parents would have gotten over the loss, and moved on to hatch others. I could have stepped on it, returning it to the earth, or I could have just picked it up and put it in the garbage. I could have left it there, prey for the animals of the forest. The egg was not mine, and I had no obligation to try and save it. All of these things played through my head. They all sounded logical, and yet they all just felt so wrong. Who steps on a baby bird? Who disposes of an egg, and halts any chance it may have of becoming a bird? Certainly not someone who has reverence and respect for life. Not someone like me.
Some of you may realize that today is an anniversary. Thirteen years ago I gave birth for the first time. Scared ad alone, my daughter was too small to survive. The absence of her presence in my life has haunted me for years. Today, for only the second time since the day of her birth, I am not facing this day with a heart full of pain and sadness. Today, thanks to a beautiful sweet little girl, my heart is full of hope. S has brought me so many things; opportunities and passion that I could never have imagined. Big things are on the way and I'm excited to see where all of this will take me.
**My book is being published! Join my page on Facebook for details! Fire Within**
**I am writing more! Little Sparks is a book about special needs kid heros!**
Someone once said to me that my daughter's life meant nothing, and that I should just forget about her and move on, and I never really knew how to refute that until now. One of the things that I've come to realize over the last year is that is truly is the experiences that a person endures that makes them who they are. S is alive because of the experience that I had with my first baby. If the reason for my baby's loss was so that I would have the strength to stand up for another child's life, then I guess I'm ok with that. Doesn't make me any less sad that I don't have a 13 year old today, but I can now say I don't regret the experience.
On a lighter note, I've lit my own fire under my passion, and I'm coming on strong. I'm too busy for crying, and I have a lifetime of work to accomplish :)
Are you ready?