Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Surrogacy.. where we are right now.

So up until now this pregnancy has been uneventful. Baby girl S is happy, moving, with a good heartbeat and loves to kick the bejeezus out of anyone who dares lay their head or body on 'her' belly. Things have been nice..

The day of my 21 week anatomy scan everything changed. I went in for the ultrasound by myself; the IPs could not make it down for the appointment. I saw flickers of concern on the tech's face as she did the scan, but of course she didn't say anything to me. I thought I saw a couple of 'things' but I kept my questions to myself, knowing that if anything was perceived to be wrong the midwives office would call me and let me know what was going on. My IPs had asked to receive a copy of the report, so before heading home I stopped by the office and signed a medical release so that the midwives could contact them about the pregnancy. Little did I know that telling the midwives to call them first would prove to have been a big mistake.

On my way home I started receiving ominous texts from the mother. 'This is not good, this is a problem' 'We have to do something right away' I had no idea what this all meant until she called me. I couldn't make out a lot of what she was saying but the impression that I got was something was wrong with the baby. The midwives office called while I was on the phone with her, but I couldn't answer it in time. So I called them back.

The baby definitely has a cleft palette. She also has a cyst on her brain, which will likely resolve itself before birth. The ultrasound was unable to detect a stomach bubble, which is indicative of some problems which may require surgery immediately after birth. And (this is the 'big' one) they suspect the baby has Down's Syndrome.

They requested I get the Quad Screen done, which I immediately went and got done. And then came the kicker. The mother called me, still in a state of hysteria I would say, and tells me that 'we do not intend to bring a child into the world that has a significant disability and will require several surgeries to survive'.

WHAT!? What happened to 'this is my child I can't just throw him/her away'?? Where is this coming from! As I try to explain that nothing they are saying is 'wrong' is a death sentence for the baby. The physical problems are fixable, and Down's Syndrome is a socially accepted condition that has the potential for the child to be a thriving part of society. She is still talking termination. I remind her that this does NOT qualify under the terms of our contract and she states that she disagrees. I start to question what we put in the contract. I was so sure that they were not the 'baby's not perfect, let's terminate' type.. I didn't stress over the language regarding abortion/reduction. Even as it is, looking at my contract later it states that there must be 'severe fetal abnormality' which to me means life-threatening condition where the baby most likely will not survive outside of the womb. This does not qualify!

I'm appalled. I'm disgusted. I'm in a state of shock. I'm contacting a lawyer to see what my options are. But altogether.. I'm really just stuck once again.

And so here I am: sitting in my living room the night before the big peri-natologist appointment that will give us some much needed answers, unable to sleep for the fear and anxiety that is building up every moment that I have to realize that the time to see the IPs and the time to have the ultrasound is getting closer. I can't even fathom what I"m going to say to them or how I"m going to react given the runaround that has happened since Monday. I really wish I wasn't going to this appointment alone.

Wish me luck you guys.. I'll have more info tomorrow. And either I'll be posting in elationn that the u/s was wrong and Baby S's fate has been spared.. or I might be posting in anger and plotting what my next step will be. Who knows.. only time will tell.


  1. Oh my gosh, what a hard position for you to be in. Big, big hugs.

  2. So sorry to hear about your situation. I will be praying for the baby and you tomorrow. Good luck!!

  3. I'm sorry that you and your IPs are going through this difficult situation. Downs Syndrome can be very serious and carry with it a lot of of physical disabilities. I can understand why your IPs are worried. What agency are you with? It sounds like they did a disservice to you by not guiding you through your contract and making sure you and your IPs were both on the same page regarding termination.

  4. I'll be praying for you and the baby. Please let all of know how we can help. I agree with you that DS is not reason enough to abort a baby. So many times doctors get things wrong and what was said to be a terrible situation before birth is really fine after. Also, miracles can occur. We just have to give it time. Stick to your convictions. You are right and the dna donors are wrong. You are this baby's protector. You are her mother. Protect her so that if these so called parents don't want her, another family will. Finances will work themselves out. Go to a Catholic hospital and apply for Catholuc Services. They will help you pay for it.

  5. Please keep us updated, this a very important story that needs to be told. Bless you for not giving in to pressure, and protecting this life. Praying for the biological parents that there would be a softening of thier hearts, and you as well thatyou would get all the legal advice/ finacial support you need. I would love to see this child born into arms as loving and caring as the woman holding it in he belly right now. God Bless you.

  6. Hi, I'm the author of a blog post on LifeSiteNews about a surrogate mother who is being pressured into abort (I'm also the assistant editor of LifeSiteNews). It appears that I may have wrongly assumed that the other mother was the same person as you - now it turns out that you are going through practically the same situation as Ashley.

    I am already working on putting Ashley in touch with a large legal organization that has offered to represent her for free, and I am confident that they would be willing and able to do the same for you if this is necessary.

    You can contact me at for more information. Whatever assistance you need to keep this baby can be found. Guaranteed.

  7. Anyone who thinks that a gestational surrogate is the mother of the child she is carrying needs to be corrected and quickly. A gestational surrogate is NOT the baby's mother in any way shape or form. The suggestion that this is HER baby is offensive to both gestational surrogates and intended parents.

  8. Jen- while it is true that I am not her biological mother and she is not my biological child.. it does not change the motherly instinct and motherly protection that I will provide for her.
    Yes, the previous poster is mistaken by saying that I am her 'mother'. However, given the circumstances I have taken on the role just as any biological mother would.

  9. You should have an attorney look over your contract to see what YOUR rights are. We have a mutual friend who is also due in June, and she contacted me because I am a former surrogate. If there is nothing in your contract about termination, you do NOT have to abort regardless of what they "tell" you to do. Right now, you are the legal mother of that baby, and will be until a pre-birth order is established, or the baby is born, and you all sign papers to establish parentage.

    Your IP's make me physically ill! NO ONE is promised a healthy baby, let alone a baby. Their mindset that this baby is disposable is beyond deplorable.

    YOU and that baby are in my thoughts, and if you want to get ahold of me, I could put you into contact with some people within the surrogacy community that can help you. Ask Yvonne for my information :)


  10. I will keep you and the baby in my prayers. I hope that connections can be made to get you legal help. It doesn't matter if the original intention was for you to be a surragate for the parents if they now want to kill the baby. I think thier stance on wanting the baby killed is a very clear indication that they have no desire to be the "parents" of this baby.

  11. also call birthrite, they can help to get you a lawyer if you need one. if I can help in any way please dont hesitiate to let me know. Deanna pointed me in your direction. we have a great network here as well that is ready and willing to help if you need it. I am above all praying for you, baby S, and the IP in hopes of wonderful news and if not a change in heart


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