You all have been fantastic. I can't thank everyone enough for everything that they have done for me and Baby S.
I am having, what I believe is a mental crossroads; a brick wall experience of sorts.
Don't get me wrong.. this baby- she has influenced me in ways that I can't even explain. But this stuff has been weighing so heavily on my mind and heart that I feel like I'm losing my mind. My anxiety is out of control, I don't think I"ve stopped crying for more than a few moments in the last two days.
What if I'm not doing what's right?
What if she dies anyways?
What if my family ends up in a worse situation because of this?
Are these things I can really live with myself if they happen? Are these chances that I am willing to make for a child who really isn't mine? A child who's parents believe that her best chance at peace is not to ever be born?
I don't think I"m strong enough for this!
I know what I believe.. I know how I feel. But I also know that if I don't take the offer that the intended parents have made; I am going to put myself, my children, and everyone around me in a terrible situation. I'm going to lose my house. I'm not going to have the resources to keep my family together, safe, clothed, or properly cared for. Can I really put my family in that position?
I wish I knew. I wish I had a crystal ball and I could see into the future. I wish I knew if this little baby is strong enough to survive everything that is being hurtled at her and make it through to be a happy person.
It isn't fair for people to have to go through this. I didn't become a surrogate to put people's lives in my own hands. I didn't do this so that I could be the one to make the life and death choices for others. I did this for LIFE. I did this for JOY.
But all I feel is pain.
I have to live with the choice that I make. I have to live with putting my family in harm's way if I choose to continue this pregnancy against the wishes of the IPs. And I have to live with the thought of letting someone end a human life if I don't continue it. How does one go about making that choice?