Saturday, February 18, 2012

My darkest hour..

You all have been fantastic. I can't thank everyone enough for everything that they have done for me and Baby S.

I am having, what I believe is a mental crossroads; a brick wall experience of sorts.

Don't get me wrong.. this baby- she has influenced me in ways that I can't even explain. But this stuff has been weighing so heavily on my mind and heart that I feel like I'm losing my mind. My anxiety is out of control, I don't think I"ve stopped crying for more than a few moments in the last two days.

What if I'm not doing what's right?

What if she dies anyways?

What if my family ends up in a worse situation because of this?

Are these things I can really live with myself if they happen? Are these chances that I am willing to make for a child who really isn't mine? A child who's parents believe that her best chance at peace is not to ever be born?

I don't think I"m strong enough for this!

I know what I believe.. I know how I feel. But I also know that if I don't take the offer that the intended parents have made; I am going to put myself, my children, and everyone around me in a terrible situation. I'm going to lose my house. I'm not going to have the resources to keep my family together, safe, clothed, or properly cared for. Can I really put my family in that position?

I wish I knew. I wish I had a crystal ball and I could see into the future. I wish I knew if this little baby is strong enough to survive everything that is being hurtled at her and make it through to be a happy person.

It isn't fair for people to have to go through this. I didn't become a surrogate to put people's lives in my own hands. I didn't do this so that I could be the one to make the life and death choices for others. I did this for LIFE. I did this for JOY.

But all I feel is pain.

I have to live with the choice that I make. I have to live with putting my family in harm's way if I choose to continue this pregnancy against the wishes of the IPs. And I have to live with the thought of letting someone end a human life if I don't continue it. How does one go about making that choice?

1 comment:

  1. I know of someone who will be willing to adopt the baby if that is the route you are taking. I know of two couples who would be overjoyed, and one who has felt in her heart that she will be adopting a special needs child to love and care for.

    Your doors are never closed. Usually when one door shuts, another one opens. Contact me if you need any information. :)

    As to your legal rights, I posted them before but I'm not sure you got them. In terms of your pregnancy, you have the right to an amnio if you so choose. You also have the right to abort or refuse an abortion, despite whatever the parents wishes are. They have about as much say as a man who is expecting a child. It is your body, and in the end, it is your say.

    In this case I would also look into getting Medicaid to help you with the amnio cost. They will pay for the procedure and then they will take it upon themselves to determine if the biological parents have any obligation to pay, in part, for the amnio (and they do, even if they don't want it). Just a thought.

    Good luck, whatever happens. You have options, you have support! <3


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