Thursday, June 23, 2011

Heartbroken.. amongst other things

You may not have noticed, but I've been very quiet over the last week. My facebook page has lacked its usually upbeat demeanor, and a quiet storm has been brewing. I wasn't ready then to let it all out, but I feel now is the time.

I am no longer a surrogate.

It breaks my heart, but things have gone badly over the last week and my intended father has been convinced to find another surrogate to carry his child/ren. I'm still coming to terms with everything that has happened, so I will try to make my re-cap short and sweet. Forgive me if I start ranting..

On Tuesday June 21st I had my baseline ultrasound. This was my first ultrasound for this cycle, and was supposed to be a short, simple procedure just to take a few measurements and such. I should have known something was wrong when the technician took forever and asked if I"d been bleeding heavily. Of course, they didn't disclose the results to me, so I went home to prepare for a very long drive to the lab in Norwich to get my FDA and STD testing done. As I was on  my way, I got a phone call:

Clinic Coordinator (K):"We're going to have you hold off on getting that lab work done. Something showed up on your ultrasound and I need to speak with the agency coordinator before we proceed."
Me: "What is it?"
K: "You have a polyp on your uterus. Normally this would have been found during your preliminary hystogram, but your agency coordinator refused that test for you and this puts a bit of a kink in things."
Me: "What does that mean? What is the next step?"
K: "A polyp is a growth in your uterus. We don't really know why some people get them, but they can make it very hard for you to keep a pregnancy, especially with IVF. You're going to have to have a minor surgery to get it removed before we can allow you to go through with an embryo transfer."


Ok, so this is bad news! According to the clinic though, its just a hiccup, and as soon as I have the surgery and recover (about 4-6 weeks she tells me) we can go through with the procedure as planned. Not great.. but ok.

I freaked a little about that.. we all know how fond of doctors, hospitals, and general anesthesia I am..

So now I"m driving home, and wondering what the agency coordinator is going to say about all of this. I have an email when I get home from her
"I'm waiting for clarification from (K). Will be in touch."

When she finally calls me, there's a lot of commotion, her saying I"m so sorry, this could mean cancer, this could mean this that or another, don't worry you have to get it taken care of but once you do we can match you with another family, etc..
What do you mean!!? The clinic just said I could carry for my intended father in about 4-6 weeks!

Apparently she had her mind already made up. I didn't hear from anyone back that day, but I did make a doctors appointment for June 30th to find out what all this means and just how long it is going to take to get this polyp resolved. I emailed the intended father myself the next morning, letting him know what was going on, and how I had been told that in 4-6 weeks we should be able to continue if he wished to do that. I completely expected him to email me back saying 'yes of course we will wait, don't worry about it' He has been so kind and understanding through everything that I never expected what I got next.

This morning, I received an email from him. He says that he is sorry, that the clinic will not accept me as a gestational carrier because of this complication and the risks it may pose after the surgery. Best wishes to me, move on with your life. Of course those aren't his exact words.. but you get the gist.

I was devastated. Along with very confused. After all, the clinic told me there would be no problems. Being the person that I am, I immediately emailed the clinic asking them why they would tell me such a thing. Turns out they didn't. My agency coordinator told him something. It's the only thing that could have happened, because (K) did not speak to him, and stated that she would have told him that this was an easily remedied situation and that the process could easily be re-started as soon as my recovery from the surgery was complete, as long as the polyp was found to be non-cancerous (of course).She states how all this could have been avoided if we had just consented to the test in the beginning.
(R), on the other hand (the agency coordinator) insists that she has no idea why they didn't do the test in the first place. She tells me in emails that I should focus on getting this taken care of, and then 'we'll see what the clinic says'. She is 'hopeful that I can carry for someone in the future', but will not admit that she told the intended father some heavily biased and blatantly wrong information, and that he is making the decision to find a new surrogate based on flawed information. Of course I am in no position to write to him myself; I would seem desperate and probably very mis-informed since (R) is supposed to be an 'expert' in all things surrogacy related.

I am in pieces right now. There goes everything. My plan is in shambles, my emotions are out of whack from the hormones already and I feel misled, deceived, and rejected. I'm scared to death of surgery but I know its necessary. I have to get this thing out of me, especially if I want any chance of being a surrogate.. EVER. I feel as though I've been strung along to keep me happy and quiet..

I feel like a failure. I'm failing my family, and I've failed myself. My body has failed me, and I haven't felt that way since before I had children. I can't take care of my children the way that I want to without this, I've prepared for being pregnant for the last few months to the point where now I just want to GET pregnant so that I can feel happy and ok with my circumstances again. I know that's not a smart decision; I know that's a bad choice, so I won't do it.. but the urge is definitely there. I feel like I"m tottering on the edge of yet another depressive episode, one of those things that I've worked so damn hard to keep at bay while I"ve been waiting for this.

They say everything happens for a reason. I wish I knew the reasoning behind this one, because I really feel like its going to break me into a million pieces. That could very well be the residual effects of the hormones (I've only been off them for a day), but knowing myself as I do.. I've got to be very careful over the next month or until this surgery is over and done with. I'm standing on the edge of a very deep chasm, and it's going to take everything I've got not to fall in.

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