Thursday, July 26, 2012

July 11, 2012.

The day had arrived. What would forever be remembered in my mind as one of the top 10 worst days in my life. Worst part? Up until the morning of, I still didn't know it was going to happen. After getting confirmation from the IPs lawyer on Tuesday that they were signing the paperwork declaring a denial of interest in custody of Baby S, it was a matter of if the papers would arrive to MI in time for court at 10:30am. With all the shady dealings from the lawyer up until that point, I had serious doubts that it would happen, so I was completely in shock when on Wednesday morning I received an email stating that the paperwork had been received and the court proceedings could happen as scheduled. I was in complete shock, all of a sudden everything clicked into place and it all became very, very real. I was going to court to give up my rights to this child; the child that I had sacrificed everything for. I had to tell a judge that I wanted nothing to do with my sweet Baby S, when nothing could actually be further from the truth. I don't think I stopped crying for more than a few moments that entire day. Driving to the court house, in court, driving home, going to the hospital, and for many hours as I sat there holding Baby S and not wanting to let her go. I wanted to go back and tell that judge I had changed my mind so badly, but I couldn't. I felt like I was giving up. I felt like all that sacrifice meant nothing, because I wasn't fighting anymore. I was passing the 'problem' (it feels horrible to refer to her like that) along to someone else. I had gotten so accustomed to fighting for this child' being one of the few people advocating for her welfare, that relinquishing control tore at my heart. To do it, especially with the change in plans that had so suddenly occurred, was torture. I had been preparing myself to bring this baby home, even if only for a short time. That was what we had expected to happen upon initial discharge, which had now been postponed twice. I had already lost out on my week, even my last few days, of baby time, and I felt a bit cheated. I felt like the hospital was possibly keeping us there because of the legal issues; out of concern for the situation and not really concern for the baby. My head was spinning and my emotions were out of control. It took a few days, but I did finally remember all the reasons that I knew this was the best decision. When I got to the hospital after signing the papers in court, I spent the next few hours sitting with Baby S alone and crying to her to forgive me. She was very agitated, and I know that she could feel the tension, distress and upset that I carried and it upset her. I fought to regain my control for the sake of my daughter. MY daughter. As I calmed down I recounted all the reasons that the choice I had made was the best for all of us. Baby S's adoptive parents are wonderful, fabulous people, and I know that they understand the unique bond that she and I share. I have a very good trusting relationship with them and I truly believe that they will keep me aprised of her progress and important events. I will still get to be a part of her life, in whatever facet we are all comfortable with, and I feel as though I have gained a new extension of my family in them. They are much better equipped to handle all the special care she will require as she grows, and they are ready, willing, and able to do this. The one thing that gives me the most peace is knowing that as Baby S grows and develops, I will still be able to do the two things that I have promised her from the moment I decided to continue the pregnancy against the IPs wishes: I will always be there for you and I will never give up on you