my soul just keeps breaking.. little by little

I feel broken down and defeated today.

After meeting with the lawyer, I have more questions than answers.. and I've been told that I can't share the most intimate details of what is going on with anyone. Not the media, not my friends. We have to keep within the spirit of the surrogacy agreement so that the opposition's lawyer can't find me further in breach of the contract.

This means, that even after all of this has transpired, the IPs still have the opportunity to change their mind. The court has the opportunity to declare that I can have nothing to do with the care of Baby S after she is born. I have to allow the very people who have given me nothing but grief, anxiety, and despair over this whole situation, access to medical files concerning test results that they didn't want, and access to attend appointments for a child that they wrote off and wanted to destroy. AND after all of this, they can decide that they want to keep her and raise her; even after they decided that her life wasn't worth saving or even trying for.

In the meantime I simply have to wait for them to make a move. There is nothing I can do until 10 days have passed from the date when we sent the response letter declaring that the IPs were in breach of contract by failing to pay their contracted amount at my last doctors appointment.

I have to sell my car to be able to pay my rent this month. I am putting up an online tag sale to sell as much of the girls' old stuff as I can so that I can pay the car insurance, the electric, and the cable. I'm hoping that my student aid loan money goes in soon so that I will have a little extra money to cover the 'incidentals' like diapers, paper towels, toilet paper, and my daughter's birthday present.
All because they can't accept that the child that has their genetics isn't perfect. They don't see value in her life because she may need medical supervision and care.

This child isn't dead. She is very much alive, and she makes her presence very well known an awful lot for a disabled baby. But to them, she doesn't matter. And to tell you the truth, I feel the same way about myself. I don't matter.. not enough for them (or some other people) to take me into consideration. This world is full of a lot of very selfish people.